As I drove home I felt it wasn’t time to pull in and get sucked into the routine. I wasn’t ready to talk, I wasn’t ready to do anything but be by myself. In what was nary more than a second, my contemplation turned into action as I pulled up to a cafe and looked for a place to park. My luck had a leather chair open in front of the fireplace and the book I’d started nearly a year ago in my bag. I pulled it out, determined to finish as I sipped on my coffee. This last week has had me lost in my thoughts, realizing I’m only a fraction of the person I felt in France. Cheri and I had a conversation about how we feel our strengths sometimes have a territory and they aren’t always conveniently attached to wherever we are. As we unpacked it, it seemed that we both can strip away our courage by the smallest of circumstances. Of late I’ve felt small, incapable and less confident than ever. When I wake up I don’t have the same “I feel great” kind of feeling I had for so long, even in spite of my worst days. I realize a big part of my sense of well being comes from being able to provide for myself, having a place of my own and also, having enough alone time to process. Yes, I can provide for myself but it’s not having enough alone time, or not having a place of my own that seem to thwart my best efforts. When I got home I couldn’t see anyone around so I started a bath and continued to wash off the feelings. There was so much, in the later half of the day, that kept running through my head and down my face that I needed cleansing from. I can’t help wanting to board the plane back to France and get a hold of the self that knows confidence, that knows unshakable ground and that has joy deep down even when my jeans don’t fit and I fumble with my table manners over dinner. It seems that 6 months wasn’t long enough for it all to take hold. Instead I wonder if the path I’m on makes any sense or if it will ever lead me the direction I want to go in. Will I ever say what needs to be said, when the time arises and honour myself and the past? Currently it’s a struggle. I very big struggle. I enjoy my job, I enjoy the perks but I hope I’m not forgetting who I want to be and where I want to go with my goals.
Un peu perdu.