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I was 200 meters into a run with my headphones in when the thought came to mind.
“You were born the fail.” No, not the kind of kick in the teeth that it sounds like. With it came a more comforting image of a child learning to walk. It wasn’t meant to be easy, you weren’t meant to get whatever you wanted on your first try but you certainly weren’t meant to stay down. You were born to fail… and get back up.
I have to admit, it was a pretty deep thought at the beginning of my jog. Flooded in with the reminder of a time where I felt hit pretty hard by failure. A time when I nearly abandoned my camera.
Going back in time
My life had been turned upside down. I was suddenly staring divorce down the barrel and newly single. As a (then) wedding photographer, I had several clients lined up and contracts to fulfill. Only now I didn’t have a second shooter to assist me. I went out to find competent to help to ensure I could finish out the season. What I didn’t expect was an experience of getting kicked while you’re down. Help, that really only put me in a terrible situation when the photographer didn’t deliver the images after the wedding.
Normally, photos from the second shooter are just backups. I’d never absolutely needed them in the past, so I didn’t think it’d be any different. However this one wedding, I needed to stay with the bridal party which was running behind. The second shooter offered to shoot the groomsmen while I was tied up to keep everything on schedule. As she was in her second year of photo school, this didn’t seem like a big risk. I was wrong. While I did eventually get the photos several months later, they were terrible. I worked whatever magic I could on them. Hiring the wrong person came with some hard lessons and some photoshop flexing I hadn’t anticipated.
The sting of the situation was immense. I was trying to hold everything together as my inner world felt like it was crumbling. The way it made me feel as a business owner was excruciating. I knew I had to carry the weight of what had happened even if she wasn’t holding up her end. My name was on the line. I held the shame of that job for years. I struggled to pick up my camera after that wedding season. Every time I thought about it I saw failure in bold. Yes, I apologised to the client and was able to deliver in the end, but it soured the experience. It crushed my spirit.
Taking a second look
All these years later it came to mind on my run. The reminder of feeling like I’d been shoved to the ground, face against the cold hard pavement at a time when things felt hard enough. Wondering would I ever be able to pick up my camera without holding that shame? But in hindsight I could see it hurt so badly because the work I made that season was my best yet. I was struggling and yet somehow my work was more beautiful and creative than ever. I was SO proud of the shots I’d created for that family and I had wanted to share them. And yet, I couldn’t, they were too heavy with the emotion of what had happened. It haunted me.
But as I ran under the suns warmth was the reminder that I haven’t thought about the experience for years. Somehow I did overcome, I kept going and rebuilt. I see that despite everything I was going through, I showed up. I pushed myself in that season when my heart was breaking and made my best work. There were no excuses, just showing up. That season and job was hard, but I got back up. Not only did I get back up but I grew new skills. Life and business are an art of getting back up. It’s about learning lessons, big and small and choosing to keep going. Showing up in an act of bravery and courage and it’s okay to keep going even when it feels scary and uncertain. It’s where the best things happen… through the failures and missteps if only you’ll keep going.
