avant que le soleil se couche


Last night was host to a miserable sleep. I woke up at 4am to my computer having restarted itself. I tried not to be creeped out and just turned off the monitor and lay in bed. I read for about an hour knowing that the dream that woke me up in the first place had been rather unsettling and I wanted to make sure not to doze off in to the same awful dream. I don’t remember much about it but it implied wandering in the dark and most of the lights wouldn’t work and it was just eerie, something was wrong but what it was I don’t recall. I know I’d had some sort of futuristic video message sent to my phone from a far off friend and it was some kind of warning but like I said… I don’t really remember. I just know that it wasn’t pleasant. I don’t very often have bad dreams so it put me off a bit.

Thankfully the hour I laid awake did manage to cut off the string of bad dreams and I slept a much better until 6.30.

I’m trying to go through my things this week to figure out what I want to keep or to leave behind. I’m realizing how sad it will be to move out of this place. Truth is, it’s still in Langley, the city I never wanted to live in, and it holds a lot of unfortunate memories but I love my little abode. It’s cozy and welcoming, even though I’m realizing that Cheri having commented on my being a germaphobe a few months ago actually has some relevance and it stressed me out. So my little place can be a bit much when there are people over and I’m in a panic. What happened was that while prepping for Thanksgiving dinner I think I was near a heart attack because I’m just not used to someone else cooking meat in my kitchen. I’m very particular. I mean… I knew some of this to begin with and I don’t find myself particularly neurotic… but now I know I have a “thing.”

Wilson reminded me last night of the Taco’s we made with friends a year or two ago and this guy I wasn’t a big fan of decided to help out but he put the cut cilantro in the raw chicken bowl and everyone had been eating out of it… I was terrified that all my guests would go home with food poisoning. I just remember praying over everyone in hopes their stomachs would kill off any possible bacteria if need be.

Anyways… Even this morning as I tied up the garbage to take it out before the place is shown this afternoon and I couldn’t help but immediately wash my hands knowing that turkey guts and water was spilling all over the bag just the other day. If however, you drop a carrot on the floor or something by all means pick it up, rinse it and eat it, but meat… I can’t help it, it scares me. Too many food safe courses. The stuff made me ill for years, and even still does on occasion along with a vast array of other items though I did have someone pray an end to the food sensitivities last night so I hope that might help. Apparently Michael was healed of food allergies. I’d love to hear his story but I’ve only heard it second hand so far. I think I’m too shy to ask and I’m trying to believe in healing more. I know it’s possible. I have a few stories of healing but this blog is too new and I’m not ready to be quite that vulnerable yet.

So back at work it’s been about the slowest morning of all. Nothing seems to be progressing and time is passing slower than a snail. My thoughts are consumed entirely of how to pack away my life into a 50lb checked bag and a 20lb carry on. I want warmth for the train trip across a cold, Canadian winter landscape as well as spring and summer in France. Have you ever conceived of how to carry luggage across Canada, taking a train into New York, flying to Paris a few days and then taking the Eurail south? This girl has a lot of lugging to do. The more I look around my place the more I love some of the things I’ve collected and it’ll be hard to part with them. I’m becoming all too aware that I only have a couple weeks until I have to move and while I’ll be moving somewhere locally (which I think I might have a lead on… I think) I still don’t want to completely settle in to a new place having all this stuff. Most of it will have to be stored or gotten rid of.

I have the soul ache where I’d like to be able to move much of my life to France with me. Not in the place I’m currently planning on moving to but in my own place and inviting others to join me. I’m not talking about a commune here people… I’m meaning as a place for people to come and rest for a while, or to come and go as travellers. I’m not sure entirely but something along those lines. I’d have my Le Creuset wares in the kitchen and my pasta maker in full swing and it would be a little rustic but filled with charm. I’d take my basket to the local market and come home to prepare delicious meals for all. I will need a long table so everyone could fit and we’d have a glass of wine with our meal and I’d be able to take photos and make art at will. I’m a dreamer and so I think about these things but not without some reality in the mix . I think the reason I long for this so much is that my life has been so disjointed and it’s so apart from the way things should be that it needs to be a stark opposite. I’d be happy to live as an artisan whether it be through soap, or photo or painting or making canned goods. But I think it’s the simplicity that stands out to me most. It’s not an elaborate life but one of great quality.

Maybe your soul aches for this now too…

So I guess

Step one:
pack the new suitcase up lug it to the bathroom and put it on the scale and the wince while I freak out about how this will ever work out and how the heck my camera will magically be featherweight.

Step two:
Take photos of all the items in the house that I need to get rid of.

Step three:
Set up a little party of friends who can vote on what stays or goes reminding me to be that ruthless girl I need to be {please note, I may cancel this party at my discretion}

Step four:
Make more soap than I know how to deal with. Figure out what to do with it later.

Step five:
Sew clothes that are too big to be just right and make the high waisted skirt out of my favourite tweed fabric in the closet!

There are too many more steps to try to keep going… You get the idea…

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