It’s probably high time to talk in the present for a moment.
I’m in Cloverdale until the end of the week after having spent the first two weeks in Vancouver. I’ve been so happy to see everyone, to enjoy the fun of getting together, drinking wine, eating cheese and dancing about. It’s true there’s no substitute for good friends and those who know you well but in the midst of all this is a great heaviness in my heart. As the days pass I just feel as though there’s a rope trying to tie me down to Vancouver against my will. As invisible as it may be, it’s got me feeling like I’m caught in a noose. I love this place, but I so long for a divorce from it. I’ve come to the realization that Vancouver is a place that I love but I’d rather visit it on vacation at this point in life. Here I feel like there’s a part of me missing that feels free. I miss the French language, the crazy antics, the food, the adventure and learning how to bring my culture into a new one.
These past two weeks have been filled with fun, as everyone wants to gather over food and drink and I can’t complain about it, but when I have a moment alone I just feel like I crumble. I called mom and dad today and against my best attempts at holding it together my teary mess all came out. I’ve thought about Calgary, I’ve thought about Montreal and yes dad, even California… but it just doesn’t seem right, it just doesn’t feel “attirant.” I want to build something bigger, work toward larger goals and it will probably require a great deal of struggle, a struggle I want to endure. Even my thoughts about joining the Francophone Association in Vancouver haven’t given me that sense it’ll stitch this place together for me, but it’s a, “petit effort,” and it’s not likely to give me what I really want or need but a start.
I’ve been mulling over school in France and it’s a thought that continues to linger, continues to draw me in as crazy as it may be. I struggled with it for so long because, of course, I love many things and I want many things but I can see (though I’m sure many remain confused) how they all tie together eventually and how it’s a great pursuit that is an investment of time and energy but also one of discipline, of connecting with new people and putting myself on a limb. I’ve no idea how to get there, how it could possibly come together but I’m very much aware that things worked for this initial exploration and it’s not impossible, I just don’t know the answer to the problem just yet.
But since these are weighted words I thought I’d leave you with some photos of the goodness of late. Photos with friends and the things I have been enjoying very much. All things should be enjoyed with a bit of perspective… right?